Childhood Behaviours: Lying.

During the preschool years, children have difficulty distinguishing reality from fantasy.  As a result they can be prone to self-deception, exaggeration and wishful thinking.  The school-age child is more likely to tell a falsehood deliberately to avoid negative consequences or to gain an advantage.  

Children’s development of morals and understanding of honesty can take time. Piaget distinguishes 3 stages in children’s understanding of lying:

1. It’s wrong to lie because it leads to punishment by adults.  If there was no punishment, lying would be acceptable.
2. A lie is wrong, and would remain so even if the punishment didn’t occur.
3. A lie is wrong because it’s in conflict with values and a mutual respect for others.

To understand which level of development a child is at, parents could ask the following “Why is it wrong to tell lies?” or “Would it be ok to tell a lie if you don’t get caught and if no one punishes you?”  Most children reach the 2nd stage by about the age of six years, and at about twelve years less than half of children have reached the 3rd stage.
 
Children’s lies take many forms, for example:

• Simple reversals of truth e.g. a child says they’ve done they homework when they haven’t.
• Exaggerations e.g. a child magnifies details of a story to impress their friends.
• Fabrication e.g. a child tells friends about a holiday trip that didn’t take place.
• Confabulation e.g. a child tells a story that has both true and false elements.
• Wrong accusations e.g. a child blames a sibling for damaging something when they did it themselves.

 
Common reasons for children lying include the following:

• Self-defence: to escape unpleasant consequences such as disapproval or punishment.
• Denial: a way of managing painful or unpleasant memories or feelings.
• Copying the examples of others.
• Boasting to receive attention or admiration.
• Reality-testing: trying to discover the difference between reality and fantasy.
• Loyalty: to protect other children or adults.
• To gain something for themselves.
• Self-image: a child is told repeatedly that they are a liar and they eventually believe it.
• Distrust: a child thinks that adults don’t believe them when they tell the truth, so they prefer to lie.

 
​Managing lying:

• Don’t demand an admission from the child that they have lied.  Rather gather facts and evidence.
• Adults should act as role-models in being honest and telling the truth.
• Parents should avoid punishment which is overly severe or overly frequent as this can promote lying in children as a protective measure.  Instead, use encouragement, praise and appreciation so that a child feels secure enough to admit to mistakes.
• Parents can help children learn that lying tends to be unsuccessful and works to the child’s disadvantage.  Reassure children repeatedly that if they tell the truth about a difficult situation, you will do all you can to help them.  Remind and reassure children that you are on their side and that they do not have to be scared of the truth.
• Try to understand underlying causes and address these causes or the child’s unmet needs.  Common reasons for lying include to get praise, attention or admiration; to avoid punishment, guilt or embarrassment; copying the example of others; fear of disapproval for failing at a difficult task; to manipulate others or a situation; loyalty and to protect others; acting out a general feeling of anger.