Childhood Behaviours: Stealing.

For an incident to be called stealing, the child must have the knowledge that it is wrong to take the item without permission of the owner.  Minor incidents of stealing in early childhood can be quite common.  Incidents of stealing tend to peak at about ages 5-8 years and then tend to taper off in frequency.  ​
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Stealing 
If stealing persists after about 10 years of age, it may be an indicator of emotional disturbance in a child and parents are advised to seek professional intervention to assist.  Stealing in children tends to worry parents, as parents tend to view it as criminal behaviour, and also fear that their parenting will be judged by others.  Children steal for a variety of reasons, for example to compensate for something lacking in their life such as love, attention, respect or affection; to follow the example of others or gain approval by peers; to boost self-esteem as a display for others; to enjoy a sense of excitement and adventure involved in stealing; to take things out of need because they don’t have the items; as a way of acting out against parents and embarrassing parents; as an attempt to relieve inner stress such as a depressed mood, adjusting to change in the family or home, anger; or as a result of a low frustration tolerance which makes it difficult to resist the temptation to take things the child wants for themselves.
 
Managing stealing:

• Parents are advised to take immediate action in a child steals – taking time to understand, address and correct the behaviour. 
• If possible, the items may be returned with an apology or there may be monetary payment to replace the item (although bear in mind that some young children become so embarrassed returning a stolen item that they feel unable to speak in that situation).  If taking money from the child to repay the cost of the item, do not make the punishment so harsh that the child has no money at all – this can sometimes lead to further stealing.
• Although parents may react to stealing immediately and consistently, they should try to do so in a calm manner.  Parents can let children know that the behaviour is inappropriate and will not be tolerated.  Rather than euphemisms such as “borrowing” and “sticky fingers” parents can clearly label the act as stealing.  However, keep this conversation brief and don’t allow it to become a lecture.   Parents can point out the unfairness of stealing, let the child know that people have a right to their own property/possessions and briefly explore the feelings of others towards people who steal.  It may be helpful to let the child know that you understand the motive for stealing (for example “I know it was something you’ve wanted for a long time.”)  End this conversation on a positive note by expressing affection, appreciation or positive expectations for the child.
• In a situation where they suspect a child of stealing but are not certain, parents can say something along the lines of “I’m not sure if you took money from my purse, but if you did it was perhaps because you felt you needed it and if you could give it back, I’d be very pleased with you.  But even more important, is for you to be pleased with yourself.  You need to be pleased with your actions and be happy with yourself, and that would difficult to do if you’re not honest and fair with other people.”  Often a child tends to return the item within a few days of such a conversation.
• Asking children why they stole is not usually helpful, as children lack the complexity of thought to provide a valid answer.  It’s preferable for parents to consider the circumstances themselves and try to determine the purpose of the child’s behaviour.  By understanding the child’s motives, parents are in a position to get to the root cause of the behaviour and prevent reoccurrence in future.  Parents may wish to consider the following possible reasons for the child stealing: economic hardship; emotional reasons such as seeking love, affection, caring and attention; immaturity resulting in a not-yet-developed conscience and level of morals/values; excitement/thrill and approval or admiration among peers; and copying the examples and behaviours of others.
• It’s important for parents to react with self-control and not to be overly shocked, angry or upset.  Parents should not view stealing as a personal affront to them, and should express the inappropriateness of the action without yelling or overly dramatic responses.  Avoid exaggerating the incident or making the child feel like a criminal.  Don’t not label the child as “a thief or criminal”.  And do not demand a confession, which may facilitate the child lying.  Too intense a reaction from parents can allow a child to experience uncontrollable guilt or shame and may disrupt the parent-child relationship.  Bear in mind that when a child is in trouble, they need parents’ affection, support and confidence more than ever.  Rather than say “Did you take my money?” it’s preferable to say something like “I know you took the money from my purse, probable because there was something you really wanted and you didn’t know how to get it.  In future when you want to buy something, please tell me about it and we can discuss it.”  Just as parents should not label their child a criminal, so also should they not deny the behaviour and defend the child’s actions.  The best approach is to have an open mind which seeks the facts, tries to understand the story and the causes or underlying motives behind a stealing incident.
• People tend to cheat, steal and lie less if the likelihood of detection is high.  Children who steal repeatedly should be closely monitored by parents so that if they repeat the behaviour, there’s a strong chance that it will be detected.  Children can then learn that they won’t get away with the negative behaviour. 

The content which follows is intended for general informational purposes only.  The information contains general guidelines and is not intended for managing specific individual circumstances. This information is not a substitute for professional intervention.  If you have any queries about a specific situation, please consult a professional practitioner.