Supporting people through funerals during this time.

​Because grief and the way we deal with the loss is individual and depends so much on so many different factors, families unable to have planned funerals and people unable to attend a farewell or a funeral will have many varied and different responses.

There is no ‘one’ way to support those who are unable to attend or those having a small funeral. A growing body of research points to the absence of rituals in the immediate aftermath of death as a possible risk factor contributing to complicated bereavement. Funerals enables survivors to capture a stable post-death identity for their loved one.
 
We know funerals are important because they help families and friends support one another, embrace their feelings and embark on the shared journey to recovery. They help people acknowledge death, they give friends and relatives an opportunity to express the love and respect they feel for the person and for the family. And they help celebrate the unique story of a person’s life.
 
Also attending a funeral helps encourages the sharing of memories and activates support during this time of grief. A funeral also allows outwards grief and a place to express it. They are also important because they have cultural implications and provides social learning on how to grief.
 
Humans need the touch of others most acutely in periods of crisis like death and bereavement and that is remembering that all those involved in death and grief might need this human contact. This is particularly difficult at the time of Covid. At this time there is also the added factor that sometimes funerals are planned by the person dying themselves and those left behind may not be able to carry out their requests.
 
Some of the aspects of a funeral that might be important are the music that might help us access our feelings and memories. The readings are important to convey the uniqueness and philosophies of the person and even the greeting of people is important as it recognises their support and allows them to express their love and concern.
 
So when all these aspects are unavailable to people what can we suggest or offer as alternatives?
 

• Some possibilities might be writing, talking (although this could be difficult if the grieving family are too overwhelmed or tired to talk), using zoom to attend the funeral, maybe writing something to be read at the funeral.
• It is thinking of creative ways for the people who are unable to attend to be ‘present’ at the funeral. Maybe offering tapes or DVDs for the non-attendees.  This could include the music and the readings.
• Cultural implications need to be dealt with individually and appropriately.
• The social learning on how to grief might be met by the families unable to attend to have their own service at home at the time of the funeral if not watching on zoom or audio.
• It is also having a raised awareness of how people can offer support while physically distancing. Is that dropping a meal at the front door, leaving flowers or plants, sending cards or some other token of being aware?
• For those struggling to provide funerals that have been planned by the person who has gone and for the family who are now unable to carry out their requests. This is being as   creative as possible to satisfy those requests. If they wanted a choir maybe organise a ‘zoom’ choir. Suggest a gathering later where those wished can be respected. For those supporting them it is having a raised awareness of the difficulties.
• The aspect of touch is difficult particularly at this time and is not only relevant at funerals and farewells. It is about being so aware of eye contact, a warm presence and using the right words. It is about acknowledging the lack of physical contact-physical distance with social connection.